Hey Arnold.

I'm going to try and do this again. I haven't done this for so long that I know I am telling absolutely no one, so this is a bit weird, like shouting in a secluded wood to point out to yourself how alone you are. But alas we should all start somewhere. I think I was half inspired by my own ego, which is very bad isnt it? I read some blog that people were going "Oh this is keen" and "What splendid scrawlings" and more things, and I basically went "The crap I write is better crafted, funnier, more handsome, stronger, mightier and many more innappropriate positive adjectives than these trite and taudry selfcentred scrawlings, I'm going to show em what for!" . So here I am to show em what for. This may make me a bad person, with a high regard for the workings of my mind, but by heck loves, I just dont care, would someone who cares this little be writing a blog to a regular readership of no one? Huh? HUH! Of course I wouldnt. I dont know, if you find me starting writing this thing again because of my own high regard for myself then please maybe think of this as a replacement for ceefax or something. Check here for motorway delays, the weather and FA Cup latest scores...who ever you are...

I have nothing to say now, so this isnt coming back with a bang or anything, but I'm sure I'll think of something soon. So check back then.

Thanks.

Matt Boyle

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American Pie

Summary - American Pie takes a hysterical look at the goal of Jim, Oz, Kevin and Finch, four "unlucky in love" high school friends who make the ultimate pact: lose their virginity by prom night. As they try to manipulate their way into the...hearts of their classmates, their plans often backfire with hilarity.

Site back and follow the raging hormones of the boys and their girls as they gear up for the most important night of their lives...prom?

Review - This film is horseshit, these people don't exist. I know literally their characters don't exist, for this is a work of fiction but I have never met anyone like any of these school folk, this is ridiculous. I hate them all.

I would like to bring up foreheads. Foreheads was my overwhelming fixation throughout the entirety of this film. They've all got em, and boy do they want to show them. Only one character in this film has a fringe(Jim's Mother) and that includes ALL of the extras. Not one single fringe in an entire senior year of high school? That's not going to happen. That quote from Jerry Maguire goes "You had me at hello" well American Pie "YOU LOST ME AT ALL THE FUCKING FOREHEADS!".

Throw in the fact that Kevin is possible the worst character ever created in cinematic history and you have a cocktail I wish was explosive so it would end this 92 minute stream of misery in a way that I would not remember.

I'm going to watch the second one now, I'm pretty sure it is going to be exceptional.

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Cloverfield.

Summary - A group of friends throw a party for Rob, who is leaving New York to go and work in Japan. As the party progresses, however, violent shakes and explosions herald the arrival of an unknown creature, which begins its rampage by throwing the head of the Statue of Liberty down into a street. Told from the viewfinder of their video camera, Cloverfield shows how Rob and his friends venture deep into the streets of New York, determined to rescue Rob's true love from her destroyed apartment building in midtown.

Review - This film was a unique experience to say the least. A unique experience I'm not sure I have quite recovered from. It was uncomfortable. Not uncomfortable in the way a chair at secondary school is uncomfortable. Or even how uncomfortable watching Spike Milligan interviews circa mid to late 90s are. Watching this film is similar to what I imagine the experience of someone moving your eyes with their own index fingers would be. It was awful. I felt like someone in winkelpickers was lightly pelting me in the retinas for 82 minutes. And I am pretty certain this is one of the many reasons this film was only 82 minutes long. Obvious examples of similar viewing experiences to this one would be the BLAIR WITCH PROJECT or ROSS KEMP : RETURN TO AFGHANISTAN, and at least one of these has the pay off for the feelings of RSI and motion sickness that Grant Mitchell could get shot in the face.

For me the story was flawed from the start. Post military jargon, the film starts with the scene of fantastically attractive girl being filmed by boy, there is flirting, joy, post-the -sexual-clinch banter the whole hog. This brings up the ultimate quandry about boys with video cameras. For the male to get away with carrying a video camera with them all the time you need to fill one of two categories, you either need to excessively cool(we are talking fringes, would list films by directors, listen freak-folk and your camera that you weild about would have to film on some kind of redundant format like super 8 (to be officially cool enough I'm ninety per cent sure you would have an argument as to why super 8 cinematography is not a redundant medium)) or you have to be so inordinately attractive that you dont care that they have a camera(Though these people would be quite jocky(not horse based) and you would have to worry about what would happen to the resulting video tape). It's hard enough being that guy who always has a camera with them. And unfortunately this is not the case for our protagonist Rob, he is unfortunately not cool nor is he anywhere near attractive enough for his conquest Beth. Throw in the fact i spent quite a lot of this film going "Wow he's short", "I wonder how short he is?" "I bet I could throw him pretty far" then the chance of them hooking up is as unlikely as a big fuck off monster lopping the Statue of Liberty's head off.

More to the point I think the film has a good premise, but that's maybe it. It is a good idea, but I just dont think it was done justice. And I think the fact it is 82 minutes long is a strong reflection that something was missing. Good ideas in the wrong hands can often result in a waste, like pop tarts, pop tarts were and still are a brilliant idea, put them in the hands of an idiot, you get burnt mouths and a special on BBC's Watchdog. I dont know how cloverfield could have been done better, I'm not paid to come up with better movie ideas, I go through regular periods of times when I'm not paid to do anything, I just felt let down and with pains in my eyes. One of those I could have taken.

Plus points, men did get the opportunity to see what it was like for women to see Bruce Willis run around in a vest which continues to get in poorer and poorer condition through the character Marlena, and me personally, I liked it(On a side note I'd never thought it would ever be possible to fancy the goth in MEAN GIRLS but lifes mental like that, full of curve balls). The moron with the video camera was quite likeable, more likeable when it turned out we had the same taste in women. And in general the film wasnt shit, it was short and enjoyable, though painful physically. If I were to watch it again, I would hope for a large TV some sealegs and some paracetemol, but I would happily sit through it.

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Down To You.

Preamble - I think when one embarks on a new venture, in this case a new blog, one should start as one means to go on. Tones need to be set, people need to know what is to be expected if the venture was to continue. At the opening for a bakery you would not only serve computer games. So there is no better film to start with than the world renowned film "Down To You".

Blurb - Freddie Prinze, Jr. star of SHE'S ALL THAT and I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER teams up with Julia Stiles from TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU in this cool, sexy, box office winning comedy about New York City college life, true love and giving in to temptation.
When their eyes meet across a crowded bar AJ and Imogen suddenly believe in love at first site, but can their love survive an endless round of parties, drugs and tempting strangers! As AJ's friend Monk tells him, girls are like buses....you can never find one when you want one and the three come along all at once.
With support from Shawn Hatosy(THE FACULTY) and Selma Blair (CRUEL INTENTIONS), DOWN TO YOU picks up where SHE'S ALL THAT left off!

Review - From the off there was something that bothered me. I couldn't quite put my finger on what, but something felt a little off about this film. I quickly went for the obvious, the shallower things that were there from the beginning, like Julia Stiles face, I apologise for the misogyny. Julia Stiles is quite the striking looking lady, and 'Striking' is used as degradingly as possible. Her face creeps me out. She has a kind of cringe inspiring, nail down blackboard energy. What ever she does I just feel embarrassed for her. Whether its simple tasks like talking, breathing or the weird way she dances in every film she seemed to be in that was aimed at the Smash Hits generation. Maybe it was because I decided she looked like a catfish. I just don't know. But, it wasn't her bizarre appearance that made me feel edgy throughout.

I turned to the males for blame. How could I not blame Freddie Prinze, Jr. for making me feel edgy? If the males watching the film got a rough(in all senses of the word, though probably not the senses to do with coarse textures, if anything she looks quite soft) deal with Julia Styles, the females were no luckier with Freddie Prinze, Jr.. Freddie is the kind of guy I imagine a lot of girls THINK their parents would like them to bring home, but in reality their parents would never want you to bring back a guy like Freddie because parents actually want their children to be happy. There is nothing going on in Freddie Prinze, Jr.'s mind, if there is I bet it is to do with soft fabrics. He is not so much an actor but more a piece of the set, a piece of the set with a jaw line but a piece of the set all the same.

I gave up trying to work out what was bothering me about this cinematic delight, and then during a insightful part of the film where AJ decided to imagine himself on a cable TV show during Julia Stiles' more frigid sections of the film it hit me. I had it. The thing that had been bothering me about this film, the dark cloud that had been hovering above it was this; this film is tainted by the semblance that the cast were all smug because they thought they were doing something a bit different. They thought this film was not only good, but it was different, and that made it important. This film couldn't be more smug if it was ninety minutes of back patting and handshaking. It's forth wall breaking, without linear narrative, its just off the bloomin' wall and what's worse about it, is that they know it. But they forgot something, the rules they are breaking are the rules of something terrible. They are rules that no one apart from the people who made the film "Down To You" care about. This contented sense of self-satisfaction permeates every bit of space on the screen and almost makes this film unbearable.

After completing watching this film I kind of felt that I knew why there aren't many films made about serial killers made from the points of view of the killer them self, or when they are made they are usually uncomfortable to watch and greeted with such uproar. These films are rarely made because when one is fully immersed in a film for two hours of their life they begin to sympathise. To immerse yourself in their world and understand why they do what they do etc. It feels even uneasy to like these people. In other films it is done with the point to exacerbate their crimes, for example in "Silence Of The Lambs", you get to quite like Lecter, and then when he starts biting at faces you feel disappointed with him and with yourself for liking him. Kind of similar to a friend taking your last beer without permission. And I bring this point up because this is how this film made me feel. Two vile people, AJ and Imogen(Prinze, Jr. and Stiles), committing horrible crime after horrible crime(scenes involving dancing, Freddie being painted, dates involving cake) and culminating one massive crime(Getting back together). By ther end of this film I almost liked them, these terrible things they had done, I didnt care about, I wasnt even bothered by the fact they were awful people anymore, I actually wanted them to be together. That is why if I had to compare this film to anything it would probably be Natural Born Killers.

This film had its positives, I quite fancy Selma Blair so getting to look at her was quite nice, and it was only 87 minutes long which made it a worthy time killer, but it made sure it finished early enough for me not to want to kill myself. As trash goes, it is OK. Not my favourite bit of trash, not my favourite Freddie Prinze, Jr film, not even my favourite Julie Stiles film but watchable all the same.

x!