Seth Rogen cannot ride a bike due to a fear of saddles.

Kate Bosworths top 3 things of all time are as follows :

1. Fashion.
2. Acting.
3. Horrorpunk.

These were in no particular order.

Philip Seymour Hoffman carries a colony of ants he found when on one of his, now infamous, morning jaunts through the woods round in a cool bag. He has allocated them all names and character traits, all of which are negative, causing there to be some bad feeling flowing from his direction. When asked why he does this he responded flatly "Sometimes you just need thousands of something to hate".

Zooey Deschannel has no sense of direction, she thinks up is down, down is right and left an Island just off the coast of Scotland.

Christina Aguilera will regularly be found draping second hand curtains bought from local charity shops in to near by lakes, rivers, canals, oceans, puddles, ponds, streams and seas after she became concerned that water had an unhealthy propensity to "show a bit of skin".

The Ol' Dirty Bastard was a figment of everyone's imagination.

The Pope rides around in a bullet proof automobile not for fear of assassination but because since he was a lad he has been victim of aggressive sexual attention from neighbourhood cats. The level of attention, articulated by number of cats and manner of sexual advance, is, unfortunately for him given his chosen vocation, directly proportional to his holiness(how holy he is), this means all transport must be fortified.

Will Smith can often be found shirtless in accessible coastal towns shouting at the ocean, he is convinced it stole his National Insurance card.

Kate Moss finds it impossible to hear the word "Noodles", instead hearing a combination of dull mutterings and white noise. This results in suggested visits to Wagamamas to be greeted with scorn and hate filled disapproval.

Christian Bale has no index finger on his left hand after he was advised to remove it by a very persuasive Spanish gentlemen.

Tyra Banks has an extensive collection of memorobilia from the wreckage of the Titanic after developing a compulsion to purchase sea treasures after waking from a terrific coma.

Adam Woodyatt went missing for three weeks in the summer of 1994 after he chased his shadow through the former Soviet Union, rendering filming his scenes in Eastenders "Tougher than usual".

Notorious Biggie Smalls died after the stresses of holding down a saturday job at Jessops became too much, causing him to spark East Coast vs West Coast violence(not forgetting brutish antagonistic gesturing/posturing) in what can only be described as one of the biggest and most elaborate suicides of the 20th century.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has no reflection, this makes him very self conscious.

Sporty Spice(Mel C) invented soul food. It was a mistake, like penicillin, post-it notes and the Battle Of Hastings.

Michael Jordan hates basketball, he says, and I quote, "It's totally for fags man".

Derren Brown does not exist. He escaped from the novel "Flowers From Algernon". There is no hope of getting him back there(People Have Tried). There is also no hope.

Gok Wan has seperated himself from time and whistfully meanders interdimensionally. After discovering how to make women feel comfortable enough to get their tits out he stumbled upon this new skill. He is simultaneously dead, alive and incredibly upset.

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Events.

TODAY MY MUM DROPPED A FRIDGE DOOR ON HERSELF!

That is all.

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Jurassic Park.

Plot - Director Steven Spielberg presents a masterpiece of imagination, suspnse, scienec and cinematic magic that has quickly become the most successful film in worldwide box-office history.

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On a remote island, a wealthy entrepeneur secretly creates a theme park featuring living dinosaurs drawn from prehistoric D.N.A. Before opening it to the public, he invites a paleontologist and his paleobotonist girl friend, a renowned mathematician, and his two eager grandchildren to experience the park - and help calm anxious investors. But their visit is anything but tranquil as the prehistoric predators break out and begin stalking the island's inhabitants.

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Review - I think this film should end after 10 minutes. It's all going so well. Just let everyone be happy Spielberg. Their research has been funded for three years, we've seen Richard Attenborough's adorable little scottish poonum(this means face, I imagine if I had old female jewish relatives I would hear this word more often), we've met Jeff Goldblum for god's sake, they've been on an exciting hellicopter ride! Then as they see that giant big dinosaur for the first time and that amazing music kicks in(4 minutes 29 seconds in to this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6GFZI51H6k) they should just roll the fucking credits. I dont want to see people being chased, I've seen Jeff Goldblum and a dinosaur, one of the nice dinosaurs at that, I've got my money's worth I'm ready to go home. Get them credits rolling and get me watching something else. The worst thing about this film is that from the moment you see how happy they are, that kind of happy you could never have because you've never liked anything that much ever, you know it's only going to go bad. With titanic sinking inevitability this park is going to shit and that's no fun. Why should it? Why couldnt it just be the Alan Ellie and Jeff Goldblum arm in arm, looking at wonderful dinosaurs, them opening the park, it being a commercial success, their three years of research go swimmingly then it ends. Why do we know it has to go badly? By the end, those 10 minutes at the begining are almost forgotten. Why?

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Why are real life dinosaur theme parks doomed to fail? Is it because we shouldnt play god? Is it because costing for such a place would be impractical? Parking? The potential for poor quality admin? Is it because dinosaurs are really big and mean? Is it because Jeff Goldblum isnt automatically keen on the idea? Who knows? I dont. All I know is that I dont like living in a world where a film about a big fuck off island dinosaur zoo has to inevitably fail. Glass half empty.

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So when I get over the fact the film isnt a joyous 10 minutes long and I have another laborious 111 minutes to scrawl through until I can watch 10 Things I Hate About You(God that man was good looking), what is the film like? Amazing. I love it. I think I like the music most. John Williams and his iconic movie music. It speaks for itself, and what does it utter? "I am fucking badass" that's what it utters. I'm going to do mundane household tasks listening to it and think of dinosaurs and Jeff Goldblum. I dont like the kids in the film. Never like children in these sort of films, they can fuck off. What else? I think I've said my piece.

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Oh who ever did the marketing for the video, well done madam or sir, because adverts for the Land Before Time and the live action Flintstones movie is a masterstroke! Covering all the bases there, and covering them with dinosaurs.

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Out of 10 all fo them maybe some spares.

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Much love.

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Matt Boyle.

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Wii Cough.

Today is a friday. Friday is the end of a week. A signifier of a weekend beginning. The "end" really means the begining of something good. The start of time off. The start of jovial boozings. Most people have been staggering round the no mans land of work bleeding, in pain, but on friday, at roughly 5pm, someone is there with the morphine. They are drawing a "W" on your head with your own blood, and sending you away from the front for a few days to recuperate. But what happens when you have been of work for the week? It signifies the begining of the downward spiral towards work again. So for me this the END is much more prominant. This end, is the end of my time off, not the end of work. The beginining of the end. I dont like that. Shore leave is almost over, you better get ready to get back on the boat. And what a shitty boat it is.

What have a done with my week off you say? Hark! Time off sir, have you used it wisely? Well take today for instance. I got woken up by a crow sqwarking outside my wind0w and then I got up and watched Dire Straits videos on youtube. Now I think that is a constructive day, but others wont, and I probably shouldnt. Here is a summary of my week off so far.

Monday - Did nothing, didnt leave the house.

Tuesday - Did nothing, watched some football, only left the house to buy 4 cans of eineken.

Wednesday - Went to cinema. Then watched football. Otherwise nothing.

Thursday - Did nothing. Went for a lovely lamb lunch.

Friday - Watched Dire Straits videos on youtube. Was angry at a crow.

I dont think I've wasted any of my time. It was all paid time off as well which is quite nice. Going back to live videos of Dire Straits, I find it really weird that people have spent so much money to go and look at Mark Knopfler and friends and be totally unaware of what song he is playing until the main riff from "Money for Nothing" kicks in. Surely you must know what that song is from the opening chord? Tickets must cost upwards of £10000 to go and see something like that, and you dont know the songs until he is singing "A Love Struck Romeo..." it all seems a bit much.

Other things i did this week. I saw Sherlock Holmes. I would have liked it if it wasnt for this man;

This will only make sense if you've seen it and you know who this man is. You should know who this man is.

So that is what I did with my week off. Is that enough to not think I wasted my week? Who knows? I would have done more if I had money. Instead I have now manouvred myself in to having £108 to last 12 days. That isnt as bad as it could have been. Oh well.

Laters.

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Quandary.

Is it wrong to BOTH acknowledge someone is attractive as well thinking she kind of looks like a dinosaur?

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The Game (Michael Douglas Content)

PLOT - Nicholas Van Orton is a very wealthy San Francisco banker, but he is an absolute loner, even spending his birthday alone. In the year of his 48th birthday (the age his father committed suicide) his brother Conrad, who has gone long ago and surrendered to addictions of all kinds, suddenly returns and gives Nicholas a card giving him entry to unusual entertainment provided by something called Consumer Recreation Services (CRS). Giving up to curiosity, Nicholas visits CRS and all kinds of weird and bad things start to happen to him.

Review - This film was ruined for me by my own mind. From the moment the opening credits roll I found it impossible to switch off my mind from going "This is part of the game...well this is definately part of the game...OF COURSE this is part of the game...that's not part of the game...THIS HAS TO BE PART OF THE GAME". And that's fucking well annoying. If I could watch this film heavily sedated I would probably enjoy it. It ended up being liking watching a film for the first time with the directors commentary on, but with that commentary just being me trying to convince the me watching the film what was in the game and what wasnt in the game. It's just annoying. By the time I got to the end of the film, a very long film, and there was the big reveal about to what extent of the previous goings ons had been the games fault, I litterally couldnt give a shit. I stopped caring, the big climax, didnt care I just wanted my mind to stop.

The process of watching was like spending hours on a painting, obsesssing over it until you near the point of completion and then realising your obsession has rendered your painting meaningless so you take a bread knife to it and then lob it out the window in to traffic. But I couldnt do that because it was on skyplus and the box isnt mine, plus I've always had a good throwing arm (Tomlinscote sports day record for throwing a cricket ball), but I live quite far from the road, plus I live in a bungalow so the angles would make it difficult to reach traffic. You know, I could probably create some kind of slingshot, or I could leave my front door to get close enough so I could reach but these both take time so I would probably have calmed down by then.

One reason I didnt like this was also because it was based around a rich dude. If the life of an affluent banker is gonna be messed up, why the fuck would I care? Rich arsehole's brother pays for a company to mess around with the life of his rich arsehole brother, I'm not gonna care about this. It's like finding out someone choked on their truffles, and their champagne wasn't carbonated enough to dislodge the valuable fungi from their esophagus. I think I would have liked it a bit more if maybe it was a case of mistaken identity, or someone got involved accidentilly, but I guess not every film is gonna be North By Northwest. Rich folk making themselves feel better through paying extortionate amounts of money so people can turn their life in to an episode of 24, I can get 8 cans of Heineken for £7 and that makes me feel better.

Plus points, the score reminded me of the X-Files, so I quite liked that. That was kind of the only plus. Oh this makes it sound terrible, it probably wasnt. I just didnt care about the main character because in part it was Michael Douglas and in part because I'm being a class warrior, and then there is the fact I couldnt shut my brain up, and the second one isnt The Game's fault. I dont know, maybe you would like to watch this, I might watch again, it might be a grower, I suppose knowing the outcome I wouldnt have the terrible internal monologue going on when I see it, I would only have to deal with the fact I'm a generation too late to give a crap about anything to do with Michael Douglas apart from the fact he's married to one of the darling buds of may.

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Makes me happy, makes me cold!

Iron Man 2. That is a cinematic release I am hotly awaiting. I dont care much for the movie, I just want to look at Scarlett Johansson. I doubt I'll even listen to the film. Might just put on a rousing orchestral soundtrack in my headphones, something sweeping. I'll probably team that with buying some of those fake glasses you can get at primark, then I'll get some of that festive spray snow you can get and spray the edges of said fake lenses so it looks all hazy, then hopefully the affect will be one of having a day dream. Yes my dream sequence about wonderful Scarlett Johansson will incorperate robotic men having a few scrapes, but it's all abstract business my psyche anyway. Plus Vue cinemas starting to charge for me to have mild day fantasies is a bit much, I really didnt think this plan through.

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She is a wonder isnt she? I would take her to nandos. I'd even pay. Oh, I've got it. The ultimate accolade when it comes for dating girls at Nandos(Nandos is one of 3 places you can go on dates. 1. Nandos. 2. Spoons. 3.Cinema(That was in no particular order)), that I, Matt Boyle, for wonderful Scarlett Johansson I would HAPPILY get up and order the food. I'd do that. I would cast my shackles of personal discomfort to one side, and go and order the wonderful thing some kind of chicken based dish. I think I'd be ok with taking her to Spoons afterwards, get her liqoured up on wine or something that tastes like fruit, what ever ladies like these days. We'd get seperate busses home, but I'd wait til she got on hers before I got mine, one must be a gent in these times.

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She is like those really old cameras I see in charity shops that I never buy. Because I want one, they look amazing, but I have absolute no fucking clue what I'd do with it once I owned it. I'd probably use it to impress girls, the camera not the Scarlett Johansson, though quite a lot of girls seem to like her so they would be impressed if I had a Scarlett Johansson, but not impressed in the way I'd want at that particular moment. Of all the "cool" trinkets I adorn myself with to compensate for my face and my personality, I think having a Scarlett Johansson would be a bit too far.

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Matt Boyle.

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Fergie #1

I think that Alicia Keys looks like someone who has been forced through a balloon.

Matt Boyle.

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Toot House, And In Tin.

Before I start, this album is amazing for walking home at night. That sounds kind of creepy. It is not meant in any creepy sense, I mean for walking back from the pub or from the train station, not from a sexually aggressive kidnapping or from rummaging around in the bins at your local old people's home. It just has such an amazing atmosphere. It makes me think of the episode of Tom And Jerry that's set in New York where Jerry dances on a table at a restaurant with a pepper pot.


Now on to more topical calender business....



So happy new year. It is a new year. My New Years Eve was as follows. Go buy beer. This is important. Pre-going out boozes, why wait til you go out, when you can start at home? So I did that. So by 522pm here is what I had on my person :-


17 Lucky Strike Blue(The colour, not filth) Cigarette.

8 can Heineken.

2 Bottle Stella(I paid for 2 bottles of Heineken, because I like the bottle, it is the littler stubby number that is used in successful American TV Series like the Wire etc, so I'm kinda swayed by the packaging, kinda like how I am really curious about that chinese takeaway food that comes in those little boxes that they have on tv and that, I know it is me being swayed by media based Americanisation and a slight romanticism of all things I like on TV, but hey I'm ok with it...what was I getting at? Oh yes, I paid for those bottles of Heineken, but they werent chilled so the nice man went to get cold ones and came back with Stella, I couldnt be bothered to correct him as he had theoretically done me a chilled favour, plus I guess Stella has some romanticism, spousal abuse is pretty en vogue right now).

1 Eighth Weed that I found in room, plus all necessary accutriments to smoke it.


I also had roughly 5 different things I could spend the final moments of 2009 doing. This all in all would suggest that I was going to have some variety of good time. This would be a wildly incorrect assumption you fucking idiot. What actually happened would make for a suitably titled documentary on Channel 5, "When Naps Turn in to Full Blown Sleep". I dont know, maybe it already is one. So I woke up at 1116pm, too late to do anything. Oops. The victuals I had gathered, were redundant, for no matter what amount of booze I consumed, fags smoked, weed injected, I doubt I would stumble across time travel. But this is fine, it is just a night out. I watched "In the Loop" and drank 90% of the beer I bought. So thats nice. I could wallow in spending new years eve alone, I could project this preconceived social low upon the rest of my existance, I could wander to North Camp train station, part the gates that descend when a train approaches, smile and embrace the oncoming train, releasing my soul to drift towards the heavens, to lollop about on the breeze like a feather caught in the wind, but I wont do that, I'll probably just shrug, tell myself "that was a bit shit, but you were pretty tired" and then lend my Dad the DVD because I reckon he'd quite enjoy it.

Do I have anything else to say, probably not.

Matt Boyle.


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