Jurassic Park.

Plot - Director Steven Spielberg presents a masterpiece of imagination, suspnse, scienec and cinematic magic that has quickly become the most successful film in worldwide box-office history.

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On a remote island, a wealthy entrepeneur secretly creates a theme park featuring living dinosaurs drawn from prehistoric D.N.A. Before opening it to the public, he invites a paleontologist and his paleobotonist girl friend, a renowned mathematician, and his two eager grandchildren to experience the park - and help calm anxious investors. But their visit is anything but tranquil as the prehistoric predators break out and begin stalking the island's inhabitants.

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Review - I think this film should end after 10 minutes. It's all going so well. Just let everyone be happy Spielberg. Their research has been funded for three years, we've seen Richard Attenborough's adorable little scottish poonum(this means face, I imagine if I had old female jewish relatives I would hear this word more often), we've met Jeff Goldblum for god's sake, they've been on an exciting hellicopter ride! Then as they see that giant big dinosaur for the first time and that amazing music kicks in(4 minutes 29 seconds in to this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6GFZI51H6k) they should just roll the fucking credits. I dont want to see people being chased, I've seen Jeff Goldblum and a dinosaur, one of the nice dinosaurs at that, I've got my money's worth I'm ready to go home. Get them credits rolling and get me watching something else. The worst thing about this film is that from the moment you see how happy they are, that kind of happy you could never have because you've never liked anything that much ever, you know it's only going to go bad. With titanic sinking inevitability this park is going to shit and that's no fun. Why should it? Why couldnt it just be the Alan Ellie and Jeff Goldblum arm in arm, looking at wonderful dinosaurs, them opening the park, it being a commercial success, their three years of research go swimmingly then it ends. Why do we know it has to go badly? By the end, those 10 minutes at the begining are almost forgotten. Why?

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Why are real life dinosaur theme parks doomed to fail? Is it because we shouldnt play god? Is it because costing for such a place would be impractical? Parking? The potential for poor quality admin? Is it because dinosaurs are really big and mean? Is it because Jeff Goldblum isnt automatically keen on the idea? Who knows? I dont. All I know is that I dont like living in a world where a film about a big fuck off island dinosaur zoo has to inevitably fail. Glass half empty.

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So when I get over the fact the film isnt a joyous 10 minutes long and I have another laborious 111 minutes to scrawl through until I can watch 10 Things I Hate About You(God that man was good looking), what is the film like? Amazing. I love it. I think I like the music most. John Williams and his iconic movie music. It speaks for itself, and what does it utter? "I am fucking badass" that's what it utters. I'm going to do mundane household tasks listening to it and think of dinosaurs and Jeff Goldblum. I dont like the kids in the film. Never like children in these sort of films, they can fuck off. What else? I think I've said my piece.

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Oh who ever did the marketing for the video, well done madam or sir, because adverts for the Land Before Time and the live action Flintstones movie is a masterstroke! Covering all the bases there, and covering them with dinosaurs.

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Out of 10 all fo them maybe some spares.

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Much love.

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Matt Boyle.

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x!